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Time to recall the plans for spring

I found out that until middle of april I will have a hell lot of workload to do, however having succeeded I will be able to do the following things.

To do list spring 2006

travels inside the country:

- Curonian Spit, Klaipeda, Palanga (done)
- Kaunas (done), Hill of Crosses, Panevezys,
- Trakai (done), Drushkininkai, Dzukija National Park

travels to other countries:

- Kiev
- Riga
- St. Petersburg (if they let us in)


- going to the forest
- nightswimming
- tandem sky-diving (I am still not sure about that)
- many many more things
1.3.06 23:05


On Friday I was supposed to receive some spanish people from Kaunas to let them stay over at my place, however I got an invitation to go to Klaipeda on friday as well. I was considering several options to go or not to go or to go one day later, after all I spoke to Silvia and she understood why I want to go there, and she said, go for her, go, we will find a place to sleep. I am grateful she understood and that she made not make me feel like letting them down. I had promised myself ealier, to not to make sacrifices simply because of her, but as I am sitting here I am glad I did. Going to Klaipeda, going out of Vilnius, feeling the wind of the sea in my face while walking along the snowy beach, that was what I really needed. Seeing water of an icy consistency i have never seen in my life before and all this together with Justin and Ausra was truly nice.
We went to nice clubs and were even given a concert for just 20 people by a Latvian band as well as we enjoyed having nice breakfast with herring and potatoes and tried some other specialities.

I am certainly looking forward for the summer ...
Okay I am now full of enegry and I will certainly use it up during the tough week to come.
5.3.06 23:04

rather true quotes which I found

I found a few quotes which I take into consideration those days

"Two people, who may have been attracted to each other visually, may not have the right chemistry to move along the road of seduction."

"If you pick up on any signs of rejection, don't waste your time on something that is very unlikely to happen, no matter how much you think you fancy her. The right woman is out there just waiting to be seduced by you!"


“A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life."

Tomas Moore
6.3.06 20:22

classes today

Running late for cross cultural, I admitted that I got on the wrong bus and Trevor accepted it. Talking about business meetings I learned a lot of interesting stuff today which I will hopefully need some day. Doing group excercises about effective meetings, everyone of the group started to look at me when it came to chose the leader. I wonder if this will ever stop that I naturally emerge as the leader, without even longing for that position.

Then the usual things happended, I took participative leadership style, focussing to increase and value the participation of "the intelligent" but silent members while cutting off the less intelligent "talkers" who are simply trying to influence me.

The assesed climate of the group was 80% positive, to 20 % negative and 5 of us agreed on a combination of the 3 most favourablue suggestions to solve traffic problems in Vilnius.
No surprise we were the best group as we had the highest score in avoiding negative words and maintained group cohesivness.

Eventually, my reserach proposal got accepted, in the same way I handed it in. Furthermore, my draft version of written paper is going to become the template or guideline for how to structure a research paper at this university. For a moment, I felt pretty flattered.

However, this flattering feeling would not last very long as I occasionally ran into Ausra (let's use her name from time to time instead of using the word "her") with a guy I even know personally, when I went to a cafe with a female group mate to brainstorm our business plan. I have to assume that the motivation for her meeting that guy was entirely different from me going there with a group mate.

At first I found it quite entertaining to find Ausra there with that guy, but as I noticed that she could not even look into my eyes (she probaly did not expect me to go there), I started a chat with that guy before I left them alone and got down to work.

If I can tell you one thing than, it is to be careful with introducing colleques to the girl you are looking for, unless she really knows what she wants. Both, your supposed "colleque" and the girl will "use" you.

Later on, I got rather suspicious as I got the impression that she will be unlikely to stop dating guys for the sake of getting attention. I sacrificed my whole weekend for being with her and we had a really great time which I won't miss, but with the consequence that some of my friends are unbelievably pissed off with me and don't even want to talk to me anymore and other's make bloody jokes about me.

I acted from my heart to end up as a complete fool.

I don't want to be jealous but obviously I am, especially as I know he is neither a very good friend of her, nor is he not having a strong interest in Ausra. I felt so incredibly stupid. Why the hell do I invest my valuable time in her, to find out that I am wasting it? Looks like the rational me is coming back.

Call me suspicious, but in my opinion it proves that the only person I can fully trust is me myself. I really try to trust her and what is the outcome?

I am confused: I did the right thing and took my chance and I feel good about it, but my friends have a considerable reason to doubt what I am doing for her.

If I ever end up being alone one day, it is the result that the love I give is abused by a woman who does not know what she wants, and that I cannot fully love the woman who might really adore me.

Okay, time to get down to work ...
6.3.06 21:25

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Sometimes I think of a waterfall.

Waterfalls, carrying on water, provide their surounding areas with the essentials of life!

The liquid itself as well as the minerals that come with it, represent the necessary source for the ongoing life of plants, flowers, trees, fauna, and life in general.

Waterfalls may be softly running when the water source is scarce, just providing the least minimum for keeping the grass fresh.

Waterfalls may be rough and powerful when their source provides an excess supply, and hopefully the surrounding plants will be able to withstand and store this for periods of scarcity to come.

Waterfalls can represent a danger!

When one tries to get to the source against the stream or tries to raft on them, one may drown oneself, or be hit against sharp stones, that are covered by the soft curtain of gentle falling water.

Few people know, if there is a cave or a wall behind the water curtain that is falling down, few people are courageous enough to take risk to go and explore the world behind the water curtain.

Try to poison the running water and the entire fauna that is surrounding the waterfall is going to suffer badly. Try do dry up the source and the entire area will dry out and loose its beauty.

However at the bottom line, the ways of the water and therefore the existence of waterfalls is replaceable as long as water has a source. water will find new ways, new waterfalls, in order to create new life.

As long as there is a spring, rain or any other source of water, a waterfall will always be running and influence the development of its surroundings.

I don't know since when I think of waterfalls, but I felt like writing this down. Never mind the title, I was simply reminded by that famous song
7.3.06 01:16

I have no words for that

These days I am far too emotional. To a certain level I have stopped thinking in rational terms and shifted towards emotions. Thus my actions are not based on sanity. The only things I can do to keep myself balanced, are the things I enjoy doing on my own.

My friends have invited me for sushi, but I don't feel like doing it. They try to care, but I don't need this kind of care at this moment. I made an unpopular decision and for sure it wasn't my last one (people sometimes have to). They have a reason to be angry on me and under no circumstances should they try to overlook this! Not that I like people being mad on me, but overlooking what I did will only teach me the benefits of this kind of behaviour and is unlikely to stop me doing such things. Thus, overlooking my mistakes can have a negative effect on my personality. No way

Ausra invited me for sushi as well but it would not be a good idea to meet her. I would really like to meet her, but there is no point in doing this as long as I behave in such strange ways. I mean I am jealous for no reason, I am suspicious about her motivations, doubting that my efforts will lead to anything at all, and so on and so forth. I lose trust in others, and I don't feel like making painful experiences that will shape my future attitude towards relationships in a negative way. I use to say no pain, no gain, however so far I see no gain and I am not the kind of guy who enjoys the challenge, itself.

I am starting to ask myself serious questions such as:

- Why do I think many people are not honest to themselves?
- Why do I make connections based on observation and experience that might lead to false perceptions?
- Why do I know all this shit about seduction if I don't feel comfortable using it?
- Why do people call me sick?
- Why do people see somebody in me who I am not?
- Why do I see something in people which they are not?
- Why am I sitting here writing this shit down, while I could finish my project?

The rational me has partly returned, enough emotional distress, time to start working
7.3.06 11:06


Everytime I realize that I cannot adopt to the pace of life I go running. Once started I can hardly stop, and I get more excited the longer I run. Even when I am close to being really exhausted it is hard for me to stop until I am at the finish. However, if it affects my physical and mental health I will stop running immediatly.

Already in my early childhood, I learned to encounter and compensate any kind of imbalance via physical activity. Looking back I now realize that whenever I was doing sports my life was in balance, no matter if I played basketball, volleyball, badminton, rode the mountainbike or went running.

Now it also gets very clear to me why I had huge tension with my parents between the age of 14 and 16. Of course one could say that it is the normal course of adoloscence, but I guess the reason for these tensions were caused by a lack of physical activity, smoking cigarettes, and emotional imbalance that stem from girls.

What can I learn from this?

Never stop running, no matter what keeps you away from doing it.

As I am writing this down I usually find the answers to my questions, everything becomes so clear to me.

High time for having a shower ...
7.3.06 14:44

honesty about ourselves

"We all have a self-image that is more flattering than the truth: we think of ourselves as more generous, selfless, honest, kindly, intelligent, or good-looking than in fact we are. It is extremely difficult for us to be honest with ourselves about our own limitations. We have a desperate need to idealize ourselves."

That is why I really encourage you to tell me the truth of what you think who I am and what is so negative about me!

If there is one thing I want to know in this world, it is the honest but hurting truth about myself, because I want to develop to the positive. Thank you
8.3.06 00:18

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